I had a busy weekend which spurred lots of 'only in the UAE' moments. These are the moments that remind me that I am truly in wonderland, lost down the rabbit (camel) hole..perhaps never to find my way back. Sometimes the UAE offers little lovely surprises such as scoring a 5 star, gorgeous hotel for super cheap. That happened this weekend. It had lovely rooms, a beautiful pool and you could even call down to reception to request custom types of pillows. You KNOW I did that. Eff yeah. "Pillow Menu" on the bed with 6 different choices= Only in the UAE.
Sometimes, though, the surprises are less fun. I booked a really great deal for a "four star dinner cruise" on the Dubai Creek this weekend. It promised "gourmet food, henna painting and live entertainment!" Well, gee wiz, sign me up! Right? Wrong. We arrived to find awkwardly arranged, slightly soiled tables crammed on the deck of a boat. And about 100 people and their 50 screaming children. How incredibly romantic...
We decided to try to make the best of it, and it was going okay until we got to the buffet. I would say I could not identify about 75% of it and that's not because it was such fancy dishes that I'd never heard of before. The "live entertainment" consisted of an early Eminem CD which they blasted for about an hour. I may have heard about too many bitches, hos and bottle poppin', even for me. This all while, sitting amongst non-English speaking Arab Muslims and traditional Indian families who have no idea what their three year olds are dancing to. I wonder who brought that CD? Of all the CDs...
It only managed to get better when the Eminem CD finished, and they put on the BackStreet Boys Millenium CD. I did kind of enjoy that, but seriously...did they travel back in time to get their CDs? Did they raid my CD shoe box from when I was 12? Only in the UAE.
So I thought that would be enough excitement for one weekend..but boy, was I wrong. I booked a couples massage finding yet another great deal online (note to self: STOP BOOKING GREAT DEALS ONLINE!) We drove from the lovely area our hotel was in to find out that the hotel where I had booked our massage was in the ghetto of Dubai. Yes, there is a ghetto in Dubai. It is where the lesser paid expats live and work. So I thought, how bad can it be? Maybe the hotel is just old. Old it was. Yes. But it could be very, very, bad.
We got up to the "spa" on the second floor. I put the word spa in quotes because I immediately knew something was wrong when I walked in and the walls were sparkly and it was completely dark, save pink christmas lights lining the ceiling. The lady at the desk seemed surprised to see us and even more surprised when I asked her for a double room. She left for a while and came back and asked my dear, already-weirded out fiancee: "You want Chinese, Thai, or Indian" I assumed she meant the type of massage, but I later realized she was asking him which nationality of woman he wanted. He was confused by the question, so I answered "Thai", not catching on at the time. She said ok and went back into the back room.
I also looked around and noticed that there were only single men there (most of whom are from a country who are renowned for travelling and exploiting women in poorer countries..I'll leave you to guess which country...) and I started to get very suspicious. My suspicions were confirmed when the two Thai girls came out and said "Please, come on, Sir" to my fiancee and when I stood up with him they just glared at me. As we walked down the hallway, I looked into the rooms and noticed that oddly, there were no massage tables but instead DOUBLE MATTRESSES ON THE FLOOR! Right. Luckily they led us to a room with two massage tables and it was covered with that tear off hospital bed sheet stuff, so I assumed it was at least fresh *shudder*
I laid down, to commence the worst massage experience of my life. The girls kept randomly leaving during the massage and kept talking in Thai and giggling. Eventually I told them to be quiet (because I assume they were making fun of us in their own language) or I would leave and they managed to stop and just finish the massage. They used bottles of Johnson and Johnson baby oil for the massages. Pretty Legit. I considered leaving twice, but I figured we were already there and I had no way of getting my money back since I bought the deal online, we should just stay and get massaged. The physical massage itself was not all that bad, I was just surprised they didn't ask us if we wanted a happy ending. I did wonder why they were so bitchy to us, I mean, we are pretty easy clients..no sexual favours needed! Just straight up massage. But I guess we wouldn't be paying any extra for anything...well...extra...so they were probably pissed about that. The whole thing was sad and I felt bad for the women, but I also felt bad for me lol.
So, I learned my lesson from this-I will never book anything online without first reading reviews or say, even typing the name into Google. I say this because, I came home and started to type in the name of the hotel "Astoria Hotel Dubai..." and it auto-populated the top results:
Astoria Hotel Dubai Prostitutes
Astoria Hotel Dubai Girls
Fuck my life. Seriously?!
I clicked on the reviews to see what people had said on trip advisor, and here are two of my favourites:
"Seedy Brothel"
This hotel is u're basic seedy prostitute pick up point. Although on their site they've advertised Sur Sangam as live indian entertainment club, its nothing but vulgar dance shows and money hungry managers coaxing you into throwing your money away. The Three stars should actually stand for Third class.
"Cover Business for your Basic Brothel"
Basically put, don't even go to the restaraunt on the first floor unless you enjoy being solicited for sex. The place is called TGIT (Thank Goodness It's Thursday). I hadn't even reached the bar when an eastern European girl approached me and introduced herself. Not knowing the nature of this place, I thought that maybe I'd just found someone to chat up at the bar. I asked her if she'd like something to drink and her reply was, "Yes! You!" After asking her what she meant, she said she wanted to take me to her apartment and that I'd need to discuss a price with her boss......Yikes. Visions of blood tests danced in my head. I took a look around and realized that there were about 20-some women there bouncing from guy to guy. I'm not even sure that they serve food at TGIT because none of the 50 or so people there were eating anything. Like the other poster, I have no clue what the rest of the hotel is like because I left abruptly.
Also, on the hotel website this is the picture they have of the hotel:
WHY OH WHY DIDN'T I GOOGLE?!
And these people didn't even visit the spa!! I can't say this is something that is "Only in the UAE" but I can say that I probably managed to find and book us massages at the nastiest hotel in Dubai. Gooooooooooo Karen! :|
We did actually end up having a wonderful weekend doing great things the UAE can offer like going to the beach at night, excellent shopping, eating in great restaurants, etc...but none of that is nearly as fun as hearing about this stuff ;) We sure do have some interesting memories too...
Sometimes, though, the surprises are less fun. I booked a really great deal for a "four star dinner cruise" on the Dubai Creek this weekend. It promised "gourmet food, henna painting and live entertainment!" Well, gee wiz, sign me up! Right? Wrong. We arrived to find awkwardly arranged, slightly soiled tables crammed on the deck of a boat. And about 100 people and their 50 screaming children. How incredibly romantic...
We decided to try to make the best of it, and it was going okay until we got to the buffet. I would say I could not identify about 75% of it and that's not because it was such fancy dishes that I'd never heard of before. The "live entertainment" consisted of an early Eminem CD which they blasted for about an hour. I may have heard about too many bitches, hos and bottle poppin', even for me. This all while, sitting amongst non-English speaking Arab Muslims and traditional Indian families who have no idea what their three year olds are dancing to. I wonder who brought that CD? Of all the CDs...
It only managed to get better when the Eminem CD finished, and they put on the BackStreet Boys Millenium CD. I did kind of enjoy that, but seriously...did they travel back in time to get their CDs? Did they raid my CD shoe box from when I was 12? Only in the UAE.
So I thought that would be enough excitement for one weekend..but boy, was I wrong. I booked a couples massage finding yet another great deal online (note to self: STOP BOOKING GREAT DEALS ONLINE!) We drove from the lovely area our hotel was in to find out that the hotel where I had booked our massage was in the ghetto of Dubai. Yes, there is a ghetto in Dubai. It is where the lesser paid expats live and work. So I thought, how bad can it be? Maybe the hotel is just old. Old it was. Yes. But it could be very, very, bad.
We got up to the "spa" on the second floor. I put the word spa in quotes because I immediately knew something was wrong when I walked in and the walls were sparkly and it was completely dark, save pink christmas lights lining the ceiling. The lady at the desk seemed surprised to see us and even more surprised when I asked her for a double room. She left for a while and came back and asked my dear, already-weirded out fiancee: "You want Chinese, Thai, or Indian" I assumed she meant the type of massage, but I later realized she was asking him which nationality of woman he wanted. He was confused by the question, so I answered "Thai", not catching on at the time. She said ok and went back into the back room.
I also looked around and noticed that there were only single men there (most of whom are from a country who are renowned for travelling and exploiting women in poorer countries..I'll leave you to guess which country...) and I started to get very suspicious. My suspicions were confirmed when the two Thai girls came out and said "Please, come on, Sir" to my fiancee and when I stood up with him they just glared at me. As we walked down the hallway, I looked into the rooms and noticed that oddly, there were no massage tables but instead DOUBLE MATTRESSES ON THE FLOOR! Right. Luckily they led us to a room with two massage tables and it was covered with that tear off hospital bed sheet stuff, so I assumed it was at least fresh *shudder*
I laid down, to commence the worst massage experience of my life. The girls kept randomly leaving during the massage and kept talking in Thai and giggling. Eventually I told them to be quiet (because I assume they were making fun of us in their own language) or I would leave and they managed to stop and just finish the massage. They used bottles of Johnson and Johnson baby oil for the massages. Pretty Legit. I considered leaving twice, but I figured we were already there and I had no way of getting my money back since I bought the deal online, we should just stay and get massaged. The physical massage itself was not all that bad, I was just surprised they didn't ask us if we wanted a happy ending. I did wonder why they were so bitchy to us, I mean, we are pretty easy clients..no sexual favours needed! Just straight up massage. But I guess we wouldn't be paying any extra for anything...well...extra...so they were probably pissed about that. The whole thing was sad and I felt bad for the women, but I also felt bad for me lol.
So, I learned my lesson from this-I will never book anything online without first reading reviews or say, even typing the name into Google. I say this because, I came home and started to type in the name of the hotel "Astoria Hotel Dubai..." and it auto-populated the top results:
Astoria Hotel Dubai Prostitutes
Astoria Hotel Dubai Girls
Fuck my life. Seriously?!
I clicked on the reviews to see what people had said on trip advisor, and here are two of my favourites:
"Seedy Brothel"
This hotel is u're basic seedy prostitute pick up point. Although on their site they've advertised Sur Sangam as live indian entertainment club, its nothing but vulgar dance shows and money hungry managers coaxing you into throwing your money away. The Three stars should actually stand for Third class.
"Cover Business for your Basic Brothel"
Basically put, don't even go to the restaraunt on the first floor unless you enjoy being solicited for sex. The place is called TGIT (Thank Goodness It's Thursday). I hadn't even reached the bar when an eastern European girl approached me and introduced herself. Not knowing the nature of this place, I thought that maybe I'd just found someone to chat up at the bar. I asked her if she'd like something to drink and her reply was, "Yes! You!" After asking her what she meant, she said she wanted to take me to her apartment and that I'd need to discuss a price with her boss......Yikes. Visions of blood tests danced in my head. I took a look around and realized that there were about 20-some women there bouncing from guy to guy. I'm not even sure that they serve food at TGIT because none of the 50 or so people there were eating anything. Like the other poster, I have no clue what the rest of the hotel is like because I left abruptly.
Also, on the hotel website this is the picture they have of the hotel:
WHY OH WHY DIDN'T I GOOGLE?!
And these people didn't even visit the spa!! I can't say this is something that is "Only in the UAE" but I can say that I probably managed to find and book us massages at the nastiest hotel in Dubai. Gooooooooooo Karen! :|
We did actually end up having a wonderful weekend doing great things the UAE can offer like going to the beach at night, excellent shopping, eating in great restaurants, etc...but none of that is nearly as fun as hearing about this stuff ;) We sure do have some interesting memories too...
Ohhhh Karen, you never cease to amaze me. Normally I would say that's a good thing but only you could manage to book a no-star cruise and take your fiance to a brothel. Hope you both had a REALLY good sanitizing shower in your room after...lol from Mom.
ReplyDeleteFantastic account! Poor Karen and Hamoud in a brothel! But the different types of pillows fascinate me...what kinds?! Hard, soft, extra feathers, down?
ReplyDeleteLove your blog